it’s about to get real…

First things first.  I found this mug on pinterest…and if no one is hilarious enough to buy this for me…im gonna have one made.  and i will drink out of this little gem every morning whilst holding my sweet little babes.

id like to preface this post by saying that i never thought of myself as a mom.  i was not one of those little girls that was like…im gonna grow up and get married and have babies!  babies scared me.  they still do.  the responsibility of raising a human being is one of the most intimidating tasks i have every had to come face to face with.

i felt this way a little bit about marriage.  i was terrified.  it is a big deal.  and i was always VERY aware of it.   i remember when brett and i were engaged i started to freak out a bit.  not about marrying him (best. decision. ever!) but i had seen some of my friends get married and they all of a sudden became this wife.  they did everything perfectly for their husbands.  they even dressed different or looked different to me.  they changed.  it wasn’t bad.  it was just different.  and i was so scared that i wouldn’t live up to that.

the truth is.  i don’t.  and that is totally okay.  i’m totally not the “best wife ever”.  but brett tells me i am.  and maybe its true to him.  hes the best husband ever…to me : ).

now on to babies.  i am beyond stoked to meet penny.  and i have no doubt that she is going to be a rad little addition to our family.  i mean…shes part brett…and hes my all time favorite person, so she is guaranteed a spot on my fave list!  but its totally there…the fear.

im starting to get really terrified of labor.  like really freaked out.  everyones response to this is.  “once you hold your baby it all goes away”.  if im being completely honest…that is like the least comforting thing.  im very aware that i have no idea what im doing.  so when labor is over and im looking at this little girl and embarking on this unknown phase of life, where im a total rookie and dont know anything….that stresses me out.  hey youre done giving birth!  heres this little person who doesnt even know how to hold their head up! AHHHH!

i know it sounds terrible but brett has started to say…”when labor is all over, you wont be pregnant anymore” and there…with those words, i find relief.

my pregnancy has been totally easy breezy.  when i think about it, it hasnt been bad at all.  minus the total mental break downs about weight gain, and the normal uncomfortable things that come with being pregnant.  but im not loving it.  im not one of those ladies that absolutely loves being pregnant.  even admitting that feels like im being a bad mother.  sometimes i say it to moms and they look at me like ive just said the most vulger thing.  im not a fluffy mushy person.  and i also dont know how to fake things very well.  when someone asks me how im doing im not the type to launch into how this is the most incredible thing in the world and i feel so amazing.  if i feel like crap…ill most likely say so.

brett gives me a hard time because he can tell exactly how im feeling, even when im trying really hard to hide it (unless i dont want to hurt someones feelings…im usually pretty believable in those areas…haha)

i guess the point is…im not going to do everything right.  im most likely not going to be the best mother in the entire world.  im not giving myself permission to not try and to just totally be lame and not care about my child (which is impossible, because i already care about her and havent even met her yet), but i am giving myself permission to be myself.  i dont mind if everything penny owns is not organic.  i dont have to make everything from scratch.  i just have to love her…and love brett and try my hardest (with lots of prayer in there).

its impossible to be perfect.  its impossible to be the perfect friend, or wife, or mom, or even daughter (your off the hook too penny!)  but you can wake up and try your best to love the ones in your life…and if you dont do so good one day…there is grace, and a new day right around the corner.

theres been a couple times where ive talked to other prego ladies and ill just come right out and say “being pregnant is the worst!” and they get all excited to hear someone say that and they are like “right!? i feel the same way!”  i just felt compelled to share, in case there were any other mamas out there that just needed to hear that its totally okay to admit you arent having a blast and that becoming a parent is scary.  i write completely genuine loving notes to my baby every week and those feelings are very real.  but there is life in between those weekly letters and sometimes its nice to hear those feelings too.

we can do this mamas.  who we are is enough.  and our babies are gonna look back one day and appreciate little things we did, that we probably didn’t even notice we were doing.  ive got some prime examples with my mama.  maybe ill get to share them with you when i hand those little things down to penny as she grows up.