i am a terrible mother…and penny doesnt seem to mind.

you guys.  being a mom is freaking hard.  not only is just the sheer responsibility of keeping a tiny human alive mind blowingly difficult.  the pressure we put on ourselves is unreal.  I know im not alone in this.  I mean…if you end each day saying to yourself “wow, im amazing and I did everything perfect today.  my baby is so lucky to have a flawless mother!” more power to you…and if you have any tips…don’t send them my way because I don’t want to feel worse than I already do!

personally, I put a lot of pressure on myself.  if I cant do things well…I tend to avoid them.  cant fail if you never try right?  well, here I am a mother.  this is not something you can skate through or avoid.  everyday.  every moment of the day.  penny needs me.  and the questioning starts to kick in.  is she eating enough?  does she sleep too much?  is she getting enough tummy time?  is it okay to sit her in her boppy while I make a sandwich and have some lunch?  SERIOUSLY!

Today, Penny all of a sudden got ravenously hungry and started freaking out.  She was doing this really awesome crying thing where she runs out of air and then screams with all of her might.  I at the time was pumping and not in a position to feed her.  So I periodically gave her her paci and tried to calm her down.  When I finished pumping (way before I was done) her crying was a bit out of control.  So while I made her bottle I laid her in her crib and shut the door so that I didn’t lose my mind.  When I finally got her to feed her (maybe a total of a minute and a half after putting her in her room) I found her with tears streaming down her face.  My little one was crying big ol tears of sadness and this rush of failure just flowed over me.  I should’ve fed her faster I should of had a bottle ready just in case.  I cant believe I made her cry.  I even texted my husband telling him that today I was the worst mom on the planet.  I just felt so incredibly bad and was convinced that I was now at the top of pennys list of least favorite things.

I fed her and when she was finished I set her in her boppy and asked her “are we still friends?” She replied with the biggest smile I have ever seen.  my daughter was not scarred forever by me making her bottle too slowly.  she loved me.  and in that moment I was forgiven.  I wasn’t the worlds worst mother…my daughter was just really hungry.  I wish that I could give myself the same grace that penny unknowingly offers me everyday.  im never going to stop trying to be the best mom I can for her…but am not perfect.  that’s for sure.  and that is totally okay.  i’m going to love the crap out of penny every day of her life, I may not always make dinner on time, but she will be fed.