this is real life.

I am not one of those moms that paints a very sun shiny picture of our life.  most days our life is pretty awesome and i love my little family with all of my heart.  but there are tough days.  and I’ll tell ya about it.  And I’ve noticed that in my moments of purest honesty about motherhood, the response is almost always a nod of the head and a “gurrrrrl…i know it” in return.

today was a day.

today was a day before it even hit 7am.  we’ve been having a rough time with the penster and sleep.  unfortunately there is some major construction going on to the apartment next to us.  said construction begins at  7am and ends at 4pm, monday through saturday.  this is making pennys naps pretty much non existent and is sending her in a spiral of the worlds worst sleep.

this morning she woke up at 5am and i FINALLY got her to sleep at 7am after some major protesting on her part…and at 7:04 the first hammer hammered.  she was up.  and pissed.  and let me hear about it allllllll morning.  she cried while i tried to rock her.  she cried in her saucer.  she cried while she crawled on the ground.  she cried back in her crib.  she cried in a quieter (but still not so quiet) part of our apartment that i thought might work for a nap.  she cried with her pacifier IN HER MOUTH.  she cried while i was trying to get ready for work and pack up her bottle for her hour at christys.

so i had an idea!

i know!  ill pack her up in the car and drive alllll the way to the drive through coffee bean in the opposite direction of work.  i have 2 hours till i have to be there.  she’ll sleep in the car.  and i will be rewarded for my genius-ness with an iced hazelnut latte.

she didnt sleep.

you know whats worse than being cried at at home?  being cried at when stuck in traffic.  in a car.  helpless.  the crying.

so i did what a lot of moms (and they’ve told me about it) do.  i cried.  i cried the whole drive into work.  i got into christys apartment and i started crying in front of her.

she hugged me and said, “mother’s understanding hug”.

to be honest ive been on the verge of tears all day.  if someone said “hi” to me right now i might tear up.  luckily its a quiet day at work today.  so tears in response to friendly greetings avoided thus far.

but man.

im tired.

and its days like today when penny has broken me down by crying at me for what feels like an eternity that i start to feel it.  parenting is relentless.  there is no time off.  it is the most demanding job ever.  it is beautiful and terrifying.  it is pure joy and pure exhaustion.  and i’m reminded everyday that i have no idea what im doing and all i can do is just hope im doing well enough.  and my goodness…the things penny brings out of me.  sometimes i feel like i just epically fail at being a mom.

and the craziest thing about all of this is…

after a disaster of a morning like this one.  penny can glance at me with the smallest little smirk and the crap of a day suddenly pales in comparison to the love i feel for her.  i mean…im still tired, and emotional, and today was really hard.  but damn.  i love that kid.

all of this really to say.  if you are having one of those days.  you know…like this one.  you are doing great!  not all days are perfect.  no baby is perfect.  and no mom is perfect.  but today wont last forever and as long as we keep our eyes open for the “little smirks”  we can make it : )

we’ll try again tomorrow.

: )