body image…blarg.

What a feisty little biz it is.  I had issues with my body before Penny, and like I had already anticipated, they worsened through pregnancy and are at an ultimate high as a mother.  I am still, STILL, 10-15 pounds over my pre pregnancy weight, and still 20 pounds over my goal.  It’s frustrating.  I’m still planning to work really hard and get there, but I get derailed a lot.  That’s okay.  That’s life.  I’ll keep going.

What I’m really getting at here is though I feel “huge”, I am not as “ginormous” as I believe that I am.  Post pregnancy has brought on this absurd fear that I weigh 1,000 pounds and look disgusting all the live long day.  I don’t weigh 1,000 pounds.  I weigh 150…which may feel like death to me, but I’m not obese.   The way I see myself has caused me to fear shopping and when I do I see something I like, I pick it up in a Large or Extra Large.  Or like the biggest sack dress I can find.  I try these things on, immediately hate myself for it, and then go home with my head hanging low.  You guys.  I am not a size Large (also, there is nothing wrong with these sizes, I’m just painting you a picture of my personal struggle, right now).  I’m probably about a size or maybe a little more away from what I was before.  That’s not a big difference!  A size up is not that bad.

Yesterday, I made a Target run with my husband.  We needed super glue, so naturally I spent about an hour in the clothing section.  I decided a different approach this time.  I picked up the things I liked in Mediums, it seemed like a nice neutral place to start.  I tried them on, and you know what…they were too big!  And instead of thinking that I was a frump, I went back and grabbed a size smaller, tried it on and something magical happened.  I felt good.  I walked out of the dressing room excited and threw 3 new items in the cart with a smile on my face.  The hubs was encouraged by this I’m sure.  He never knows what he will have to work with when I come out of that mirrored room returning an arm full of items to the nice lady who hangs that mess back up.

I guess the point of this post, is that our minds are some serious jerks sometimes.  Body changes are hard, and body image is a tough one to battle, but dont be afraid.  Try on something that fits and work that shiz!  Am I where I want to be?  No.  But I am closer to my goals than I think, and wearing a sac everyday will not help myself see that.  Also keep in mind where your shopping.  I may have been able to rock a Target small, but a Forever21 small is a different story…when I can fit back into that crap I’ll know I’ve reached my goal.  For now… I will enjoy the little victories and eat my salad for lunch and see what happens!  For now I’ll keep trying to make healthier choices because it’s good for me, not because I want to be “skinny” again.

For now I wont hide behind the fear that I look different than I used to and I’ll have confidence in the things that fit me.  On to the next one!