One of my friends that is very near and dear to me pinned this on pinterest the other day.  I’m going to tell you, at the risk of sounding like an emotional wreck, when i read it i nearly started crying.

I have been raised loving all things creative.  When I was a kid I would beg my mom to take me to michaels and we would walk down the crafty isles and i would pick something to make.  Drawing, painting, building, ANYTHING you could make…i wanted to make it.  I do believe there is still an unfinished GIGANTIC cat latch hooking project somewhere in my dads house.  I never really got into latch hooking…but…i tried!

Along with my love for all things crafty, I also have a really terrible habit of being paralyzingly afraid. Afraid of failure, of looking stupid, or even…wondering if people were lying about something being well done just to make me feel better.  I remember going through a phase when I was in high school.  A lot of people dont know, but I sing.  I dont like to say im a singer, because i feel like a lot of people say that (and most of them arent).  But, for a large portion of my life…people knew i sang.  I grew up in choir and I had solos and what not, but i distinctly remember sitting alone and thinking “what if im not actually good?  what if all this time people have just been telling me that because they felt bad and didnt want to tell me i was terrible?”  These insecurities honestly seep through my entire life. I actually had one person tell me…to my face… “no one really likes you, they just pretend to because they feel bad for you.”  1.  WHO SAYS THAT? and 2. ouch. Sadly i’ll never forget that and ill always kind of wonder if that person was right.

these little (or maybe big) insecurities have led me to do things like; paint a ton and hide the paintings in the back of a closet, write songs and keep the videos of me playing them hidden on our ipad, and the biggest one – having an amazing dream of making things for a living and just not trying.

I feel like this is going to be my anthem for this year.  This year i would like to try things as if i wasnt afraid.

The dear friend that posted that pin is actually my little biz partner.  We’re plotting the launch of our own blog/shop/business this year.  Having Penny set us back a smidge but now that things are getting  a little bit more flexible with her buns we’re going to start getting serious about doing what we love.  If you want to follow that little journey you can over at THIS link.

I’m excited. and I’m going to try and be brave.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

You guys!  If you want super amazing of you and yours for any sort of reason.  You should totally look into KIM BOGARDUS photography.

She is not only one of my best friends and incredibly fun, beautiful, hilarious, and all around amazing, she has incredible skill and will make you look good!  seriously we’re a mess, she makes us look all sorts of put together : ).

Ever since I had Penny I’ve been having these weird relatable moments to my parents.  I heard this a million times…you never really understand your parents until you become one.  I mean I find myself saying things my mom said in the same tone, which I expected.  More than that, I see these old photographs of my mom and dad holding us as babies.  My mom was 22 when she had my brother…that is SIX years younger than me when I had Penny!  What the crap?  I think of myself at 22 and im like “oh dear Lord, thank god THAT girl didn’t have a kid!”.  My mom was 30 when she had me and im only 2 years away from that age.

My point is…brett and I are taking a billion family photos and sometimes I step back and think about how one day penny is going to look at them and be like “whoa! look how young mom and dad look!”  “Look at moms hair!”  “Dad was so funny!”.  We’re just a couple of young pups carrying around this baby girl.

Our parents were there too.  they were young pups, and then there it is this strange moment where I realize that my mom and dad weren’t always JUST mom and dad.  They were Teri and Richard and im probably right in saying that when we went to bed at night they were goofy and weird and themselves.  more than we will ever know.

I hung out with my mom today and she gave me something I have been lusting after for a good portion of my life.  she gave me a box of her old 45s from when she was a kid.  After we hung out I busted the box open and began to play through each LP.  I got through about 2 before I got a little weepy.  There was something about sitting and listening to these singles that my mom loved WAY before she ever knew me.  Then I realized I was bobbing my head in that sweet Motown groove the way my mom used to when I was a kid and a song came on that I distinctly remember her singing and i probably said something like “you made that song up” to which she replied “I did not, its a real song” and probably told me who sang it, but I thought my mom was too much of a nerd to listen.

knowing that these records meant something to my mom during her teenage years made me feel oddly connected to her…and I cant wait to share them with penny.  I wish I had something cool to hand down to her.  here penny, this is my iTunes username and password? and Ill probably have a much harder time convincing her that “mr. bombastic” was in fact a hit song when I was in jr. high.  sad.  things just aren’t as cool anymore.

all of that to say.  sometimes I get a glimpse behind the scenes and it makes me know my parents in a way that is special and new. and I like it.

We bought a new couch!  I’ve been stalking grey couches at ikea for about a year now and FINALLY we got one.  Our living room is not the biggest and we had this GIANT sectional.  Although it was comfy and could seat an entire army comfortably it really limited what we could do with our space. I’m one of those people that likes to move furniture around to change things up and with that giant couch we had only one option.  it drove me CRAZY.  Our little yellow chair was actually free.  I found it on the side of the road like 4 years ago and it will probably remain in our home in some way for the years to come.  its one of those rare freebies that you actually want to keep around.

Brett and I have had some really awesome things given to us during our first couple years of marriage, but its so nice to actually go to a store and pick something out that you both want.  Its just a couch, but it has made our home feel SO much more like us.  There is a TON of other stuff I would like to buy, but we don’t have an extra 10,000 laying around (cuz seriously that’s how much id spend if I could), but we’re thinking of every few months investing in a piece of furniture or home item that we love and would like to have in our future house.  Ive got my eye on our couches matching ottoman.  : )

I hope everyones thanksgiving was awesome!  This year was my familys turn for thanksgiving which worked out perfectly because we got to spend some time with our new NEPHEW!  Ethan Henry was born November 23rd! He is so tiny and so freakin cute and squishy!  I love our growing fam bam! : ).

I cannot believe that it is December and that Christmas is 22 days away! Brett and I have already done all of our Christmas shopping for our family and I just finished wrapping them all (before we even got our tree!).  We are so on top of our game this year!  Also yesterday I made cyber Monday my biz and got all of Bretts gifts done.  I might be a little too proud of myself.

VIVALACHRISTMAS!

okay okay okay.  im one of THOSE people.  I LOVE Christmas.  I get my Christmas feeling pretty much as soon as October hits and I have this theory that it starts smelling like Christmas November 1st.  Christmas has a smell…trust me on this one.

Now let me clarify.  I also really love thanksgiving.  as an intense lover of food and friendship, its one of my faves.  I do not ignore thanksgiving completely but I do get a bit prematurely excited for all things festive.

My husband is really intense about “No Christmas before Thanksgiving…give thanksgiving the respect it deserves!”  He actually said this phrase to me the other day when I began singing a Christmas carol in the car.  he had no where to turn and he avoided my joyful tunes by blasting rihana in my face (or whatever was playing on kiisfm at that time).

Anywho…since ive been “banned” from decorating until November 28th (after all the dinners) I’ve decided to get a head start on some Christmas craftin.

while penny was a nappin, I squeezed out a couple of projects including this little fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la banner and a little sparkly Rudolf.  I was inspired by all the little sparkly buck silhouettes ive been seeing all over pinterest.  I love the little sparkle it adds and I thought why not take it a little step further and give that good ol reindeer a big red nose.  like a light bulb!

im sure there are more projects to come : )…I cant wait!

In case your curious about the reindeer silhouette…I just hunted one down online and printed it out.  get some glitter all up on that bad boy and cut it out then paste it on a canvas! boom!  that easy.

what are some crafty creations your eyeing this holiday season?  id love to get some more ideas : )

you guys.  being a mom is freaking hard.  not only is just the sheer responsibility of keeping a tiny human alive mind blowingly difficult.  the pressure we put on ourselves is unreal.  I know im not alone in this.  I mean…if you end each day saying to yourself “wow, im amazing and I did everything perfect today.  my baby is so lucky to have a flawless mother!” more power to you…and if you have any tips…don’t send them my way because I don’t want to feel worse than I already do!

personally, I put a lot of pressure on myself.  if I cant do things well…I tend to avoid them.  cant fail if you never try right?  well, here I am a mother.  this is not something you can skate through or avoid.  everyday.  every moment of the day.  penny needs me.  and the questioning starts to kick in.  is she eating enough?  does she sleep too much?  is she getting enough tummy time?  is it okay to sit her in her boppy while I make a sandwich and have some lunch?  SERIOUSLY!

Today, Penny all of a sudden got ravenously hungry and started freaking out.  She was doing this really awesome crying thing where she runs out of air and then screams with all of her might.  I at the time was pumping and not in a position to feed her.  So I periodically gave her her paci and tried to calm her down.  When I finished pumping (way before I was done) her crying was a bit out of control.  So while I made her bottle I laid her in her crib and shut the door so that I didn’t lose my mind.  When I finally got her to feed her (maybe a total of a minute and a half after putting her in her room) I found her with tears streaming down her face.  My little one was crying big ol tears of sadness and this rush of failure just flowed over me.  I should’ve fed her faster I should of had a bottle ready just in case.  I cant believe I made her cry.  I even texted my husband telling him that today I was the worst mom on the planet.  I just felt so incredibly bad and was convinced that I was now at the top of pennys list of least favorite things.

I fed her and when she was finished I set her in her boppy and asked her “are we still friends?” She replied with the biggest smile I have ever seen.  my daughter was not scarred forever by me making her bottle too slowly.  she loved me.  and in that moment I was forgiven.  I wasn’t the worlds worst mother…my daughter was just really hungry.  I wish that I could give myself the same grace that penny unknowingly offers me everyday.  im never going to stop trying to be the best mom I can for her…but am not perfect.  that’s for sure.  and that is totally okay.  i’m going to love the crap out of penny every day of her life, I may not always make dinner on time, but she will be fed.